What Makes a Holy Land?

My grandfather was killed in a hit and run accident in 1978.

His mother and sister struggled with life after that. They decided to go on a trip across the United States together to get away from things for a while.

I discovered this trip when I was going through photo albums and suddenly saw a place I recognized.

 

Temple Square.

They went to many places during that trip. But there was something truly special to me that, in one of the worst seasons of their lives, they ended up at the temple.

I served part of my mission at Temple Square. I was waiting for a visa to Brazil that I began to think was never coming. I had a truly horrendous time in the MTC babysitting a district of Elders who spent weeks on end bullying me and tearing down my self-esteem. I was told directly by someone, I forget who now, that I was being sent there to recover. And when I realized that the mission had no young Elders in it at all, that it was only Sisters and senior couples, I came to appreciate what that meant.

I had so many wild interactions there with so many people. Some of them were strange, like the guy who viewed the Book of Mormon as proof of alien interactions with humans. There were moments of heartbreak, like the woman who was in tears at the Christus statue who attacked us when we checked in on her. There were moments of pure delight, like when an LDS family with two young daughters came to that same Christus statue. The oldest girl, no older than 4 or 5, squealed "JESUS" and ran to the Savior's feet, little sister in tow. Whenever I hear someone mention the teaching to become as a little child, she is exactly who I think of.

There were also moments that were meant solely for me, like when I met the first Sister to ever be called to the Boston mission I had hoped to go to to wait for my visa. Boston has a large Brazilian population, many of whom are members of the Church. I had begged in prayer to be sent there and was told by other people it wouldn't happen because "Sisters don't go there." I had an entire conversation with the woman who was going to be that change. It seemed cruel to me at the time, dangling the carrot of something I wanted right in front of my face. In time, I've realized it was so I would remember that God does miracles and is aware of the desires of my heart, even if it means I don't get what I want. Someone needed to exercise enough faith to push that door open for women. I put my full weight behind it, and I can be just as proud that it opened for someone else.

But some of my favorite people I met there were people who just made me laugh. I met a Jewish convert from New York who told us his conversion story, how what drew him in was the Plan of Salvation. He summarized it in a New York accent in a voice I can still hear in my mind: "So you're a god, eventually. But can you pay RENT?!"

One of my favorite people I met was a Scottish convert named Agnes who was doing the Mormon trail across the US, beginning in New England and ending in Utah. She was a much older woman and told us all about her pilgrimage, and how she had cuddled with the oxen at the baptismal font in the Manhattan New York Temple. (I've been there. You enter into the baptistry on face level with them, or did the last time I was there.) She shared her testimony with us, and I'll never forget what she said.

She explained that the story of Joseph Smith was really hard to get her mind around. It truly is an insane set of asks: angels, gold plates, polygamy, and all the rest. She talked about how she came to accept it—not through any kind of empirical evidence or proof, but through faith and what that looked like.

For her, it was the recognition that being LDS was the best way she had ever encountered to live an excellent life. She said that the worst case scenario she could imagine is one where God would say to her, "You know that whole business with Joseph Smith was a load of crock, right? But you lived such a good life, I have to let you in anyway."

That has always stayed with me. Agnes was one of many people who came to the Square looking for something. I saw people come there looking for faith, or a fight, and truly everything in between. And it's only now that I'm older and wiser that I see something clearly now that I couldn't see then.

Agnes didn't need to come to Temple Square to find faith. She already had a tremendous amount of faith. She, and many others, were looking for conviction. I was at Temple Square long enough to learn you don't get that from a place. While a place like Temple Square can illuminate the possibilities for conviction through the lens of history, it doesn't bestow that conviction through contact or proximity alone. Conviction is made from the materials of your own life and your own choices. Your will, how firmly you place yourself into an immovable and unyielding position, is the measure of your convictions. It comes from within.

Faith is the decision to believe in what you cannot see, and what cannot be proven objectively. That never goes away. Nothing we experience in life, no place we ever visit, will create a shortcut under, over, or around that decision to believe, to trust in God. Faith, at its core, is a decision. The ability to continue making that decision over and over again, under all species of hardship and opposition, is conviction.

Where Jesus walked is nowhere near as important as how Jesus walked, and with whom. The same is true for all of us. Our walk with God might never take us anywhere near a temple because of where God has called us to go. But we are the holiest dwelling places of God on earth—not any of the buildings we've made.

Being a holy place of living faith wherever I am, whatever my circumstances may be, is what it means to be the temple of God. Worshiping God, no matter what places I can or cannot enter. There is more than one way to access a temple. One way is to enter a place that people invite God to dwell. The other is to become that place. There can be no separation from God where communion never ceases. It is the refuge that is unassailable by others for as long as the person wills it so. The torch within will not go out.

The temple is not special because it has some holy essence that springs forth out of nothing, to passively be absorbed by others. The temple is special because it directs people to Jesus Christ, who is the giver of healing and peace. The temple is just a building. It's Jesus Christ that is the true power behind it all, whose objective is to make you, me, and every person you know the holiest creature you've ever beheld. 

We are the end goal. We always have been. We always will be.

Every time I see these pictures, it makes me realize that God saw my entire life from the beginning. He has always had a plan for me, my life, and the lives of my family. He knew at the time these pictures were taken, when my mother was still a child, that I would end up at Temple Square myself some day.

 

And bring others in my mother's family with me.

Interlagos, Week 2

A silver lining at last!

Glen was baptized!!! The Glen I taught at Temple Square. he was baptized last week! Sister Clayton has kept in touch through email and she told me she went to his baptism and she has pictures! Woo hoo! Just hearing that lets me feel more than ever before that Temple Square was a part of my mission--not just to humble me, but to bless the lives of other people. I got a baptism--and a convert--at Temple Square. The sisters there did a great job of finishing what I started. It was great news!

From her email:

I attended GLEN'S BAPTISM this Sunday!!!!!!!!!!!! It's a logn story, but to make it short my current companion has taught him before and he invited us to come with the other sister that taught him a lot the last 6 months on the Square. It was really great. I'll get you some pictures soon. But I just knew that you'd want to know as soon as possible... He got confirmed this week, gets the priesthood next week, and his bishop suggested he apply for a part-time mission in the family history library.

This is the man who approached me on Temple Square, and the first time I met him I knew he had to be baptized. He just had to be! He has basically already come to that conclusion on his own and moved from Colorado to Utah, because that's where God told him he'd find his answer. He read the Bible passionately, in its original Hebrew, and it had been far too long since I had spoken to someone who knew their scripture as well as he did.

Eventually he asked me, point blank, what the Church believed. So I used an Articles of Faith card to teach him what we believe. As our conversation continued and gravitated to the subject of authority, I took him to the Priesthood monument and taught him about Joseph Smith's ordination. After explain the Aaron priesthood, he looked at me with full comprehension and asked, "So you're saying that Joseph Smith was called after the Levitical order? That would explain a lot as to why y'all don't use wine for the Sacrament."

I was floored. So I continued on and taught him about the Melchizedek Priesthood, and he got visibly excited.

"This is what I've been searching for my whole life," he told me. And I couldn't resist. I had been told not to do this on the Square, but I couldn't resist. I invited him to pray about our message, and to be baptized, and he accepted.

And now, almost a year later, he's been baptized!

Life is so good! God is so good! The Church is SO GOOD!

I can't tell you how much I needed that news. Truth be told, I'm sort of suffering here. But things will get better. They have to get better. Each day we get one day closer to the breakthrough, I have to believe that.

Until then, there's Glen!

--

I am, as ever, your humble servant and never-deviating friend,
Sister Doyle

Temple Square: Where Every Day is a Goodbye

212 Forever! 143 143 99999

Counting our Referrals during General Conference

Each piece of candy was a referral we received

Sister Kinman, for those who remember; or perhaps like me, could never forget.

Total referrals received for October 2011 General Conference:
9,222

Portuguese Language Meeting

Sister West: "Sister Doyle, you got your visa!"
Me: "Sister West. I like you and all, but if you're joking I will punch you in the face."
Sister West: "No, it's really here!"

"You will leave with some sorrow..."

Too true President Holmes... too true.

Temple Square--Week 6

In my studies of the Book of Mormon, I've arrived again at the sections I have struggled most to be nourished from or apply into my life. Most people I've met struggle to appreciate the poetic and prophetic qualities of the Isaiah chapters in 2 Nephi.

The bane of my Book of Mormon-based existence has long been the war chapters in Alma. However, as a missionary I finally have an application in my life for these chapters.

Being a missionary is a lot like being in an army. We're men and women under authority who follow very specific orders to bring about the objectives and visions of our leaders. We each play a role in those visions and objectives, and the role we play depends entirely on the character of our leaders. I have more reason now to care about the wisdom expressed in the war chapters because they lay out so clearly the difference between good leadership and evil leadership—good leaders and evil leaders.

Alma 47 and 48 give a nearly side-by-side comparison for good and evil leadership. Chapter 47 focuses on Amalickiah, a wicked and deceptive man in the histories of the Lamanites. Chapter 48 focuses on Captain Moroni, one of the most righteous men in the entire Book of Mormon. Mormon as a historian doesn't just focus on the events in which these men had remarkable significance. He focuses on their qualities, which helps us as readers to avoid and apply their examples, respectively.

I want to comment on some of these differences and apply them to missionary work because I believe they apply so completely to members and missionaries alike today. Because Amalickiah was a tool in the hands of Satan, and Captain Moroni in the hands of Jesus Christ, we learn things about them respectively as leaders as well.

Mormon establishes the comparison he's making when he says, "Now it came to pass that while Amalickiah had thus been obtaining power by fraud and deceit, Moroni, on the other hand, had been preparing the minds of the people to be faithful unto the Lord their God." (Alma 48: 7)

• Amaleckiah begins his deception by playing off of the division between his people and the Lamanites who don't want to fight the Nephites anymore. He specifically tries to gain favor with those who are disloyal and disobedient to the king. Captain Moroni gained favor with his people through loyalty to the gospel of Jesus Christ and being true to the Title of Liberty (Alma 47: 5 & Alma 48: 10, 12) 
• Amalickiah was double-minded, giving the appearance of serving the king, while also trying to achieve his own agenda by going against the will of the king. Captain Moroni has one purpose which is apparent in everything He does--to truly help his people by bringing them closer to Christ (Alma 47: 8 & Alma 48: 13) 
• Amalickiah works through secrecy and persistence--two of the elements of temptation. Captain Moroni relies on revelation from God to best care for his people (Alma 47: 10-12 & Alma 48: 15) 
• Amalickiah was perfectly willing to sacrifice his men to his opponents to accomplish his own selfish objectives. Captain Moroni protected ALL of his people, giving special attention to those who were most vulnerable. (Alma 47: 13-15 & Alma 48: 8-9) 
• Amalickiah murdered his commanding officer by means of deception (poison). Captain Moroni lived the laws of God regarding warfare and only used war to protect himself and his people. He did not delight in bloodshed at all. (Alma 47: 18 & Alma 48: 14, 16) 
• Amalickiah betrayed and murdered the king of the Lamanites, then covered it up through conspiracy. Captain Moroni defeated such evil through personal righteousness and relying entirely on Jesus Christ to save him and his people. (Alma 47: 22-24, 27, 34 & Alma 48: 17) 
• Amalickiah instigates war and causes others to sin and break their covenants. Captain Moroni encourages everyone to follow the Lord, to keep their covenants, and to pursue peace wherever possible. (Alma 48: 3 & 23-24) 
• Amalickiah's only strength is in numbers. Captain Moroni's strength is the power and promise of Christ. (Alma 48: 4 & 18-19) 

When I read this list I liken Amalickiah to Satan, and Captain Moroni to Christ. It helps me to understand how to be a better missionary, a better soldier in the cause of Christ. I understand better who I'm up against, and how to fight smarter against my enemies. I know to whom I should look for guidance, and the power He has to save me from destruction. I find this list to be entirely consistent with my experiences from both the Adversary and the Savior.

My favorite realization was what I saw when I likened Alma 48: 17 to Christ Himself:

"Yea, verily, verily I say unto you, if all men had been, and were, and ever would be, like unto [Christ], behold, the very powers of hell would have been shaken forever; yea, the devil would never have power over the hearts of the children of men."

I know that by keeping the commandments of Jesus Christ, we find that power in our lives. Satan has no power to tempt us because we find no appeal in anything he offers, and the methods he encourages us to use are despicable in our sight. Some might be dissuaded from missionary service because they think there is a lack of freedom in our decision making. Some resist the call from prophets to live lives of discipline, honoring the commandments of Christ.

But if we do not serve Christ as He has instructed, who then do we serve?

I know that Christ lives and He loves us. I know He has the power to guide us and protect us, and I've received that protection from Him too many times to count. I know that as we live the gospel of Jesus Christ, we accomplish the purposes of our Father in Heaven. For Christ, there was nothing more important than the will of the Father. When we truly live our lives in the same way, we can liken Alma 48: 17 to ourselves, with our own name.

For me, there would be no greater reward.

--
I am, as ever, your humble servant and never-deviating friend,
Sister Doyle

Temple Square--Week 5

I was on the Square today, and we saw a family at the Christus statue. After a really hard morning of being turned away abruptly from everyone we spoke to, this family was such a joy to see.

She was a mother, a member of the Church, and she had two young sons--they must have been about 3 and 4 years old. As soon as her children saw the Christus statue, they were so excited! Their little bodies were just an explosion of happiness, jumping and stomping their feet. Their smiles took up their whole faces, and their gazes were fixed on the face of the Savior. The youngest yelled, "JESUS!" and his little voice echoed and pierced me to my very soul. The feelings of my heart as I watched them both run up to the Christ statue and touch His feet... I can't describe in words the tenderness I felt. It brings me to tears now even to think of it.

In a moment, my soul was lifted up and nourished by the faith of these small children. I realized in a new way what Christ meant when He was teaching the twelve disciples this same lesson:

1 At the same time came the disciples unto Jesus, saying, Who is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven?
2 And Jesus called a little child unto him, and set him in the midst of them,
3 And said, Verily I say unto you, Except ye be converted, and become as little children, ye shall not enter into the kingdom of heaven.

Matthew 18: 1-3

In the Book of Mormon, He taught the same thing to the Nephites when He appeared to them:

I say unto you, ye must repent, and be baptized in my name, and become as a little child, or ye can in nowise inherit the kingdom of God.

3 Nephi 11: 38

The faith of children is exactly what I saw in those small boys. They didn't have that reaction because their parents taught them to do that. They have that reaction because they know Jesus Christ--they knew Him before they came to this life. In their pure and innocent state, they remember him better now that they will for the rest of their lives. Seeing them, I see what Christ was talking about. We aren't just supposed to believe in Him as some far away person who just happened to die for our sins. The faith of a child is exactly like the faith of those small boys--to be totally overcome with joy not just at the thought of Christ, but the memory of Him. To immediately run to His feet because that's where our greatest joy--our home--is found.

I've personally experienced how being obedient and keeping the commandments has helped me to remember the Savior, and to remember the things I knew in my heart before I came to this earth. I wouldn't trade that knowledge, that memory, for anything in the world. And just when I needed that reminder the most, the Lord provided the perfect messengers to help me--two small boys who have no idea how much their souls have just blessed mine.

I know Jesus Christ lives. I know He is my Savior, and I couldn't serve this mission without Him. He leads me continually to my Father in Heaven, who strengthens me beyond my own abilities to do the things He has asked of me. Even though this mission is the hardest thing I've ever done, I'd do it again and more for Him. Experiences like the one I've had today remind me that all of this--everything I'm experiencing now--is worth everything I will pay for it.

--
I am, as ever, your humble servant and never-deviating friend,
Sister Doyle

Temple Square--Week 4

Here is a list of my favorite things I've seen, heard, experienced and learned so far on Temple Square:

• The two year old girl who says "Nebuchadnezzar."
• There are about half a million creative ways to eat tortillas. And also, peanut butter.
• The bride with the zebra-stripe bolero for her wedding dress, with matching bridesmaids.
• If you say "Panda bear" in Mandarin with the wrong tones, you will say "Chest hair."
• The round windows on the Salt Lake Temple actually open.
• Members who see us walking, poke their small children and say, "Look! Missionaries!"
• Inside jokes with other sisters because of the goofy things we experience in the call center. ("I don't have a brother.")

• 

  What is this man's name?!

  Trying not to laugh about aforementioned inside jokes when you pass other sisters on the Square.
• The picture of the man on top of the Temple Spire in the South Visitor's Center. I've made it a mission within my mission to find out what his name is.
• Accidentally seeing President Packer. And by "seeing," I mean "almost plowing into the security detail of."
• Randomly humming the music from different Visitor's Center displays.
• Also, recognizing when other sisters are doing this.
• The little boy who introduces himself as "Batman."
• D&C 60: 15
• The Plan of Salvation summed up by the convert from New York: "So you're a god, eventually. But can you pay rent?!"
• The techno version of If You Could Hie to Kolob. With violins.
• Trunkytown = the place I go when a wedding party comes out of the Temple.
• Working in constant sight of the Temple is only a blessing if you take the time to see it often.

--

I am, as ever, your humble servant and never-deviating friend,

Sister Doyle

Temple Square--Week 3

I just realized today that I'm passing through the valley of the shadow of death, also known as the three month mark of my mission.

Because I was trained to go to serve a proselyting mission in Brazil and I ended up at a Visitor's Center on Temple Square, there's a large gap between what I was trained to do and what I'm actually doing every day. I try very hard to be receptive to the guidance and the changes so I can adapt to all the things I didn't expect. It's a lot to take in, and sometimes I struggle with the constant correction. I know this isn't unique to me--it's a huge part of what it means to be a missionary. Receiving correction well from the Lord is a huge part of the refining process that every missionary experiences throughout his or her mission.

I was feeling particularly discouraged last night, so I decided to deal with how I was feeling this morning in my personal study. I didn't quite know where to start, but a scripture one of my companions shared from Proverbs 3 came to mind. That's how I found this counsel:

11 My son, despise not the chastening of the Lord; neither be weary of his correction:
12 For whom the Lord loveth he correcteth; even as a father the son in whom he delighteth.

Our Heavenly Father does not give us correction because He hates us or is displeased with who we are or how hard we're trying. He loves us for who we are and He believes in us. He wants us to be successful, and He knows that we can do anything with His help. His correction is meant to help us and guide us so we can be successful. Whether we choose to feel good or bad about ourselves because of that correction is our choice, not His.

I was happy to receive that guidance, but I still craved the comfort of the Spirit--to see what I was still missing in my understanding so I could feel close to Him again.

I felt like I needed to read the Book of Mormon, and I opened to where I had left off last time. I opened to Alma 29, which is a chapter where Alma was struggling with the same desires I was feeling. Many people in the Church--including missionaries--see the first two verses...

1 O that I were an angel, and could have the wish of mine heart, that I might go forth and speak with the trump of God, with a voice to shake the earth, and cry repentance unto every people!
2 Yea, I would declare unto every soul, as with the voice of thunder, repentance and the plan of redemption, that they should repent and come unto our God, that there might not be more sorrow upon all the face of the earth.

...but they don't see the realization he makes afterwards:

3 But behold, I am a man, and do sin in my wish; for I ought to be content with the things which the Lord hath allotted unto me.

I've been struggling to understand what my role is here. I was trained to actively proselyte, which is what I expected to do. But being in a Visitor's Center, my role is one to extend invitations for others to meet with missionaries, but also to buildgood relationships with members of other faiths and to promote a good image of the Church. I've really struggled to know how I can show other faiths the same respect they show us by visiting us in Temple Square, but still fulfilling my responsibility as a missionary to share what I know to be the truth.

Alma answers that question in verse 4 when he says:

4 I ought not to harrow up in my desires the firm decree of a just God, for I know that he granteth unto men according to their desire, whether it be unto death or unto life; yea, I know that he allotteth unto men, yea, decreeth unto them decrees which are unalterable, according to their wills, whether they be unto salvation or unto destruction.

The Lord does not force people to come to him. He will give faith, knowledge, peace, and strength to those who want a relationship with him. For those who do not actively seek to build that relationship with Him, or to build one further, He does not force that upon them. Ultimately, He respects their choices and gives them exactly what they ask for--what He extends to them is always in harmony with the decisions they make to come closer or pull away from Him.

Alma went through this, and I love the conclusion he comes to of why he decided to serve a mission, even though he knew he couldn't convince people, nor was it his job to do so. He says:

12 Yea, I have always remembered the captivity of my fathers; and that same God who delivered them out of the hands of the Egyptians did deliver them out of bondage.
13 Yea, and that same God did establish his church among them; yea, and that same God hath called me by a holy calling, to preach the word unto this people, and hath given me much success, in the which my joy is full.

That's why I decided to serve a mission--because even the chance to help someone who wants my help reminds me of everything I've been through. I remember how it felt to walk into a Church building and feel as if I was coming home for the first time in my life. I remember how it felt to have my prayers answered. I remember how it felt to see my life changing, to see a power so much greater than I was come into my life. I remember feeling God's love for me, and knowing that He is my Father, and the first time I realized He had loved me all of my life.

Realizing that I have a relationship with the same God that delivered Moses and the Israelites out of Egypt--that I can rely on Him for help, comfort, and guidance--it brings such peace to my heart and soul. I love Him so much more than I ever could have had I never served this mission because I see more clearly how He works and how much He cares about every single person He brings to this Square.

Correction does bring wisdom, and wisdom helps us to see through the eyes of God. For now, while I'm new, those glances are only brief glimpses. But I know that as I grow, it will change. I love Him for that. I love the Book of Mormon and how it blesses my life. I love the Prophet Joseph Smith and the sacrifices he made to restore the Church of Jesus Christ to the earth again. I love my Savior and His atoning sacrifice. I love my Father in Heaven, and I know that every good thing that happens to us is because of His love for us all.

--
I am, as ever, your humble servant and never-deviating friend,
Sister Doyle

Temple Square--Week 1

The next time you visit Temple Square, imagine an entire world of women beneath your feet making the place run. I'm convinced that the entire reason the mission is run solely by sisters is because men simply couldn't keep up with the changes or the pace here.

Another sister who serves here is from a tiny island called Kiribati, and she is amazing. She has so much success all the time, more referrals and tours than she knows what to do with, and I asked her recently what her secret is.

"You just gotta move yo' bawdy."

I fell in love with that. I've thought about it a lot the past couple of days. The only way to keep up with things here is to keep moving, keep teaching. Keep testifying. Don't stop, don't stand still. Just keep moving and the long day will eventually end.

I've grown to appreciate the pioneers as I've thought about that too. They never stopped. Whether they were walking or pulling handcarts, riding in wagons, or burying their dead. They kept moving. And when they had nothing else to give, they prayed. God picked them up, put them on their feet, and told them to keep moving again.

To me, that's faith. It doesn't take a strong person to ask for help. It doesn't take a strong person to ask for what is obviously needed. It doesn't take a strong person to ask for God to step into our lives. It only takes humility to do that. But to learn about strength, about faith to move mountains--and then to take those mountains and build temples out of them--it takes moving when you think you have nothing left. It means going to the edge of everything you ever knew or understood about yourself, and digging deeper.

"Move yo' bawdy."

I hope I never forget it.

--
I am, as ever, your humble servant and never-deviating friend,

Sister Doyle

Goodbye is a Word Best Served before Breakfast

My visa to Brazil still has not arrived. For missionaries going to Brazil, this means a temporary reassignment to another U.S. mission.

I've been called to serve part of my mission on Temple Square in Salt Lake City. I don't think anyone was more suprised by that assignment than I was. And now that I've arrived and I see what my life will be like for as long as I'm here, no one could be happier about my assignment than I am now.

The most amazing thing I've seen so far is that the mission is run entirely by sisters, with the exception of the Mission President--the assistants to the president, the zone leaders, the district leaders, all of them are sisters. I went from the MTC being surrounded by Elders and men, to being surrounded, greeted, hugged, hugged again, and introduced to more sisters than I've seen in almost two months. I absolutely adore my new assignment, and I'm eager to get to work and begin serving.

I had my first interview with my mission president, President Holmes, who is a kind and loving man. His perceptiveness to his missionaries is phenominal, and my interview with him was a sacred experience I will always treasure. He asked me direct questions about my life that only inspiration from the Spirit could prompt him to ask. He assigned me to my companions, a trio, whom I love already. I'm learning quiet lessons from their examples already, and I know the impact they will have on my life will change me forever.

Temple Square is a very busy mission. Much will be expected of me--that much has been made plain to me by the Lord, as well as in everything I see here. I need to decide now what kind of missionary I want to be, and always live up to that expectation of myself. How well I do this will determine the kind of missionary I become and the mission I will serve. I've received a lot of private correction in my heart from the Spirit already, and I see more clearly than ever what I have to change to be the sort of missionary who can change the world.

And I know that's exactly what the Lord intends for me to do. In my personal study of the Book of Mormon this morning, I was reminded of this simple fact:

"For behold, I am God; and I am a God of miracles; and I will show unto the world that I am the same yesterday, today, and forever; and I work not among the children of men save it be according to their faith."

2 Nephi 27: 23

Everything about Temple Square testifies of the fact that Heavenly Father loves all of His children. There is no nation, no kindred, no tongue or people that He has forgotten. There are sisters here from more countries than I could list, speaking languages from the furthest reaches of the globe. They regularly teach investigators from all over the world, and it's all because Heavenly Father loves all of His children. He knows where they are. He knows how to help them. He calls His servants because of their faith to come and teach His children. He brings them here in great abundance so they have the opportunity to learn the truth and to be saved.

Being a convert, my heart sings with joy to see others beginning their journey home to our Father in Heaven--even if they do not recognize that He has brought them here. The only thing I can do now is to do my best to teach with clarity and power the message Heavenly Father would share if He were here.

I know that Jesus is the Christ. He lived to teach us a perfect example, He died to bear our sins and heartaches, and He lives again that we might be saved. I know the Book of Mormon is a true testimony of Jesus Christ. It teaches us His gospel and, together with the Bible, helps us to discern between good and evil. I know that Joseph Smith was a prophet, and I am honored to serve as a missionary in the Dispensation of the Fullness of Times.

I know that we have a living prophet today, President Thomas S. Monson. If we follow the council of the prophets and apostles, we will be prepared for the Second Coming of Jesus Christ. We will not be led astray by Satan and his angels, and we will have the power and the wisdom to resist all temptation until the day our Lord returns.

I bear that witness with all the love and sincerity of my soul in the sacred name of Jesus Christ. Amen.

"Are You Going to Serve a Mission?"

Sister Kinman saw me twice before we actually spoke to each other, but I could tell she wanted to speak to me. I didn't know her, but I could feel even from her passing glance her need for... something. Something from me. Something I could say to her.

But my roommate and I had just come from the South Visitor's Center, where she had tried to page another Sister missionary--one who had served the outbound portion of her Temple Square mission in Pennsylvania where my roommate is from. We were standing outside of the Tabernacle, waiting for the Sister to finish her tour so we could say hello.

While my roommate waited for her, I was reminiscing on the conversation I'd just had with another Sister. She was from Hawaii, and I didn't know her. She asked me, seemingly from nowhere, a question that shocked me where I stood.

"Are you going to serve a mission?"

Through a smile that touched the secret of my heart, I told her, "I wanted to, and I still do. But I don't know if I will any time soon."

When she asked why I wasn't going to serve, I proceeded to tell her about the missionary I'm currently waiting for. I told her sincerely that his mission has been my priority and in many ways has been like a mission to me. She understood. She showed me the ring on her left hand, and I knew there was nothing else I needed to say. We smiled at each other knowingly, and I felt comforted once again that I had done all the Lord had asked me to do up to this point in my life. I had made sacrifices, and they had been perfectly terrible to me at the time, but had turned out wonderfully in the end.

I could wait, I told myself. So familiar. How many times had I told myself that? I would serve a mission someday, and I could wait until then.

I looked up and saw two Sisters approaching me. Sister Kinman was one of them. She smiled at me and walked up to me and started talking. She didn't mistake me for an investigator at all. Instead, she also asked me what I hadn't yet recovered from.

"Are you going to serve a mission?"

I want to, I thought to myself. I really want to. In fact, I want to do that with the same intense aching, the same desire with which I want to be sealed to my family. To say I want it doesn't quite do it justice. It's a longing I could die from if I'm not careful.

"I'd like to," I said, still smiling. And I told her my conversion story. I told her that I hadn't had any missionaries to teach me because there weren't any assigned to our part of the stake. I told her I'd been converted "by members being good people," who weren't afraid to share that goodness with strangers. I told her I had been drawn to that goodness, and through mistakes of my own I had nearly lost that light. But when I got it back, I decided I couldn't live without it and I would never let it go.

I told her, "I am a missionary, and I will always be a missionary."

She looked at me, eyes shining with light of her own, smiled and thanked me.

"I needed to hear that," she told me. I was glad to be there for her, and realized again that being a part of this--this precise art of God's serendipity--is why I want to serve a mission.

She proceeded to tell me that I could serve a mission, that all the things going on in my life shouldn't stop me if it's what I want to do. And there are no words to describe how much I wanted to believe her, and I found myself believing her against my experience and judgment.

The bitter part of me--the one who was hurt the most when God said "No"--wore a cruel smile then. You may chain me here, but you'll never be rid of me, her expression read. I jabbed her as hard as I could, and she closed her eyes again. There was a tear on her cheek. And I turned away by looking outward. I'm not cruel enough to find joy in anyone's suffering, not even my own.

Sister Kinman walked away then, and her work inside of me was finished. She may not know what she has reawakened in me, or what it means for me to be here again. How long I've waited, and how painful the weight has been. When I first saw her, I thought she needed something from me. But now I see that what she gave to me was of more worth than anything I could've said to her that day.

But it didn't end with her. Several minutes later, my roommate met up with the Sister she had been searching for. That Sister's companion began speaking to me. Her accent was thick, and her last name was impossible for me to pronounce. She was from Ukraine. And in broken English, full of the beauty of revelation, she asked me the question I now have to answer.

"Are you going to serve a mission?"

She told me how she decided to serve a mission. She encouraged me to proceed in faith, and told me about the blessings her family had received since she had begun serving. She told me about the miracles she had experienced in trying to serve those whom the Lord brings to her on Temple Square. Her eyes were bright with faith and strength.

In just a few short months, I will be old enough to serve a full-time mission. And I have never wanted anything in the same way as I have wanted to serve a full-time mission. It wasn't until I fell in love that I was even sure I wanted to get married--but even when I wasn't sure of that or anything else, I knew I wanted to serve a mission. And now I see in myself that the desire has not changed.

The question remains, despite my certainty of many things: "Are you going to serve a mission?"

Am I?

Am I going to step up and begin the process which has been so difficult for so many of the strongest people I have ever known? Am I going to make the eternal covenants of the endowment in order to become who I must be in order to be a Sister--knowing I will have to bear my portion of that weight alone? Am I going to postpone my marriage even longer in order to do this wonderful thing which has such a power for good in the lives of others? Am I strong enough, brave enough, and wise enough to finish what I've wanted so much to do? Am I willing to go wherever the Brethren assign me to go, no matter how difficult, no matter how dangerous? Am I willing to go forth, knowing that I must forgive myself, then forget myself in order to serve others with all the love and strength of my heart? Am I able to live for Christ in every moment of every day, honoring Him and cherishing Him, and filling my soul with His light?

I knew the answer to these questions long before the Sisters asked me. That's the reality of what President Julie B. Beck was talking about when she said that preparing for a mission should be "a review and not a revelation."

I don't have to wonder if I'm able. I don't have to wonder if my testimony is strong enough. I don't have to wonder if I know enough. I don't even have to wonder if I want it desperately enough yet.

All I've ever wondered is if God will let me serve Him--if, in all He asks of me and my life right now, there might be a black badge somewhere with my name on it. A genuine smile I might learn to carry with me through all things, and eyes warm with testimony strong enough to liberate people from fear. Some words I might say in a right moment to a soul in need of someone like me. A handmaid to my Lord in His loving kindness and everlasting salvation.

To walk among my Father's kingdom, healing wounded souls, declaring:

"Come, my brethren, every one that thirsteth, come ye to the waters; and he that hath no money, come buy and eat; yea, come buy wine and milk without money and without price."
2 Nephi 9: 50

That is still my dream.