So, it has been several weeks since my Bishop initiated his ultimatum to force me to come back to church in person to get the sacrament.
He has also discontinued all communication with me on the subject.
In the meantime, I've been reflecting a lot on what this means for my religious life in this moment.
At a time in my life when I find myself wanting God and craving peace, I'm being shut out of the place I was always supposed to be able to find it.
In prayer, I've found myself repeatedly coming back to the scriptures from Romans 8 I had taped to my wall when my mother would forbid me to go to church as a new convert. Also in the story that was my first spiritual experience with The Book of Mormon: Alma 32. Where the people in power decided to expel the undesirables from their congregations. They were not allowed to worship in the churches they helped to build.
I feel that in my soul, in ways I've been struggling to fully accept.
I gave my life for this church. I have given time, money, literally years of service to it because it is my spiritual home.
I have forgotten how to find God outside its walls.
The power of Alma's message was tremendous the first time I heard it.
The Book of Mormon testifies of a God who has no respect for the walls humans build between each other. A God who cannot be contained in mortal boxes.
I need to find my way back to my God and my Savior again, separate and apart from the people in this stake where I now live who do not mean me well.
These are the prayers I've been saying. Prayers I thought I would never say.
The answers are coming slowly, mostly because I am already exhausted. But I have not been left comfortless. The way forward is becoming clear.
I am not dependent on these men to receive all the blessings of God. They are mine to claim, anywhere and at any time I need them.
Faith. Joy. Rest. Holiness. Gratitude. Love. Healing. Dignity.
They are my new focus. These are mine to claim. They belong to me. No one can take them away from me. They are the blessings I will give to myself through my personal devotion and worship.
The ordinances of the Church augment my search for these things. They can't replace it. That is the lesson I am learning right now.
