Nightmares in the Time of Climate Change

You know that scene in Harry Potter where the boggart would change into the thing you're most afraid of? That's what PTSD nightmares are like. Apparently, what I'm most afraid of has shifted because my boggart changed.

Last night, I was being pulled backwards through time to before my husband knew who I was. He couldn't recognize my voice on the phone.

 

Tonight, the planet was in total climate collapse. There were shuttles leaving for God knows where. There was only enough money for one of us to get on board. He was nowhere to be found, but the only name on the shuttle was mine. It was the only way he knew I couldn't argue.

 

I don't know if this is my brain making the connection between the death of American democracy and total climate collapse, but that's what it feels like. It feels like Manchin and Sinema just surrendered in the fight to save our planet and have killed us all in the process.

 

And faced with that moment of inescapable annhialation, this is the reality my brain wants me to prepare for. The one thing that would undo me from within, and is therefore the greatest threat to my continuing survival. And of course, this couldn't have happened over the weekend. It had to be right now. Three hours before my alarm goes off for a 10 hour work day at a brand new job.

 

But since my brain decided it needed to know, right now, how I would want to spend my final days on a dying planet. It's not fighting for survival on the last shuttle, especially if it means no one else I love will be there.

 

There's a Brazilian song all about the love you feel at the end of the world that is in my top 5 songs of all time. It was worth it to go to Brazil and learn Portuguese just to have this song.

"O mundo acaba hoje e estarei dançando com voçe."

Dançando, Pitty

 

The world ends today and I'll be dancing with you. 

 

That's how I would want to spend my last day on Earth. With my husband, together. Celebrating the most important thing I ever did right, which was to love him with every inch of my heart. That's what I would want to spend my last breath doing if I had the choice.

 

It might not be the most feminist thing to say that. I don't care. You know why? Because I was awake, afraid, and disoriented for only a minute before he instinctively reached out and held me in his sleep. When my body was shaking through sobs, he was already there.

 

 

 The future on this planet from here on out scares me. That much I know. 

 

But I also know I've created a tremendous amount of love that's worth celebrating in whatever time I have left. I did that right. I got that right.

 

If that's my legacy, I'm proud of that.