The "Cult" Thing
Because it's going to come up at some point:
I don't think the Church is a cult.
I do think the way many in the Church create and enforce their family cultures is cult-like though. I have met families in the Church who would absolutely meet the criteria for being a cult. It's something we don't talk about or address openly enough, which allows unhealthy behaviors to fester and spread.
I don't have family in the Church. It's me and my husband at this point. That's it. No in-laws. No racist uncles. No parents giving me a hard time about not going to church. No side-eye aunties. No cousins, siblings, or neighbors ratting me out. I deal with none of that.
For something to be a cult, the standards of control, dehumanization, and humiliation need to be universal. I don't think the Church qualifies for that because as an organization, it's not monolithic in how people are treated, either in good ways or bad ways. This is where the entire idea of bishop/leadership roulette comes from: the fact that we're all having drastically different experiences based on many different factors, primarily geography and the family cultures within a particular unit.
Does the toxicity in families still significantly overlap with how many people experience the Church? Absolutely. From the items leaders believe they're supposed to prioritize to the methods they use, we underestimate how much impact their own family cultures have had on shaping their approach. From what I've seen and heard in discussions surrounding leadership selection, being called to a leadership position is viewed by many as an endorsement of their family culture and an invitation to incorporate it into their ministries. In fact, I would argue that there is an unwritten cultural expectation where lay leaders think that this is part of what their calling is supposed to do.
What it means to be a member of the Church, in the units where these members preside, becomes defined by and inseparable from being an acceptable member of their own families.
I've met a lot of families in the Church.
My favorite ones are always the chill ones who respect everyone for who they are and mind their own business. The ones who don't view deviations from their own approaches as a sin or some kind of personal insult.
That's the kind of church member I'm trying to be, largely because I've had some really great examples of what that looks like.
The ones who are petty, dishonest, toxic, abusive, controlling, manipulative, authoritative, and who use religion as a means to forcibly produce compliance and conformity to a single ideal, under threat of being shunned? That's not inherent to the Church, friends. It originates in families, who then bring that behavior into the Church.
Now here's the bitter pill for those who are unprepared to accept that anyone in the Church doesn't have a cultish experience by default. Just because I go to church with your family doesn't make me the same as them. That they gaslight, manipulate, disrespect, and dehumanize doesn't mean that is a guaranteed, standard behavior for every member of the Church. Those who refuse to engage in such behavior also can't fix those who do, no matter how much they may want to. We can use church settings to challenge and invite people to change. We can present different points of view and set positive examples. We can advocate for less toxic approaches in family life. But ultimately, the choice and responsibility to apply a different approach belongs to each individual. No one else can do it for them.
I've been doing this work within the Church for many years, particularly in youth programs with parents who struggle to adapt their parenting to having teenagers.What I've learned from it is that people who want to be horrible will find a way to go about doing that and justifying it to themselves, independent of what anyone in the Church says or does. There is no magic super power to make people do the right thing. Not in Christianity. Not in any religion. You cannot force people to do the right thing against their will. God doesn't have that power, and neither do the rest of us.
