Disillusionment
For the first time in 12 years, I'm not looking forward to general conference.
I don't know how to take instruction on how to be a better disciple of Christ from leaders who just paid their lawyers to dig up dirt on a sexual assault victim.
I don't know how to contain the disgust and disappointment I feel every time I see members of the Church engage in blatant prejudice. I'm tired of correcting racism because my leaders won't. I'm tired of correcting sexism because my leaders won't.
I'm tired of anyone who doesn't perfectly conform to every norm and standard being bullied and harassed until they're chased out. I'm tired of trying to put broken pieces back together from the messes other people make when they destroy someone else's life.
I'm so tired of hearing the gospel is perfect, even if the Church and the people are not. Because from where I'm standing, there is absolutely no point in having a church if no one is actually going to bother using the gospel. That perfect gospel, at its heart, means repentance. It is a reconciling to God AND to or neighbor for the wrongs that we've done. If we are not a people who repent, we are not a people who follow Christ.
Where is the repentance for the racism perpetuated by our church and the people in it? Where is the repentance for the sexual violence that has been done to women and children by lay leaders in our church? Where is the repentance for the collective shrugging off of LGBTQ+ members?
The gospel Jesus Christ is supposed to mean change. I don't see change. I see excuses. I see lukewarmness that Jesus would spit from his mouth. I see injustice. I see anguish from too many good people who are attacked for daring to challenge oppression and for speaking the truth.
Any person who defends the Church, its leaders, or its people in doing evil is no brother or sister of mine. They have no authority that I am bound to recognize. And out of the love and respect I have for myself, I will not allow myself to be led into sin by it.
