Am I a Feminist?

But first, a story. It's the earliest memory I have. I'm about three or four years old and my parents ask me, whenever they're in mixed company, "Who's the boss, man or woman?" 

Without hesitation, I scream "WOMAN" at the top of my lungs.

My parents would laugh, and so would the other adults around them. I didn't understand what was so funny. I wasn't joking. From the time I was very young, I have never questioned that women are powerful beyond measure.

I don't call myself a feminist. I've never had to. People have been calling me that all of my life, usually as they're laughing at me for saying something I believe. They say it with an eye roll or a shrug as they criticize a book I'm reading, a statement I've made, or for refusing to laugh at a sexist statement because "it was only a joke."

I've been called a feminist for most of my life by men who have no sense of what it means. They say it as an insult or a slur, for no other reason than for looking them in the eye when I speak to them.

I was called a feminist by Elders on my mission because I didn't diminish my intelligence to make them feel more comfortable around me. They didn't know how to interact with a female peer as an equal, and they tried to silence me through ridicule and isolation so I would stop trying to be one.

I've never wanted anything to do with the label of feminist or feminism because it wasn't an identity that gave me power. I didn't need a label for that. Men wanted me to take that label so they could ignore and discredit me. They wanted to watch me trip over it, and laugh in my face. To this day, I still don't associate anything positive with calling myself a feminist. It's not a label I want. I'd much rather be called a person and an equal, and be done with it.

But I'm beginning to see that the feminist label, regardless of your relationship to it, is one you don't get to choose for yourself. Other people choose it for you. Because I match what other people think a feminist is, for good or for bad, that is probably how I will continue to be labeled.

The part of me that would have chosen that identity for myself just can't reconcile the label with all of the crap things people have said and done to me because of it. The label is an instrument that people have used/will use to rewrite my story in whatever image they want. I really don't have the words to express how much that bothers me. 

Then I saw this video and learned what intersectional feminism is. That's the only kind of feminism I would be interested in. And understanding it made me realize why claiming this label for myself feels so fraught.

If I call myself a feminist, those who don't respect me for it will treat themselves to confirmation bias, and completely disengage with me on sight. Additionally, it seems like those who have already claimed that label will constantly be watching me to slip up, to tell me that I'm not really a feminist. I'm not interested in another culture war about whether I have or haven't "earned" the right to be called a feminist. I don't have the time or mental space for that in my life. At all.

What other people think of me isn't what matters to me. What matters most to me is what I think of myself. What does it look like to have my own respect? And how do I maintain that self-respect and a sense of purpose when I'm trying to inspire change you know will only come slowly, if at all?

I'm realizing my question has never been about whether I am or am not a feminist. I've been a feminist since I was little. There has never been a moment in my conscious life where I wasn't a feminist. But what kind of feminist am I? And I'm realizing that the kind of feminist I am is one who doesn't care about labels.

Let other people continue to argue about what this word is and what it means and who deserves it. I'd rather just go on being one, doing the work that no one else wants to do. I'm not a feminist because of what I call myself or what other people call me, how they want to see and define me. I'm a feminist because of the values I hold and the actions they inspire.

Today, what that looks like is confronting the neglect I've witnessed with vulnerable seniors where I live. Tomorrow, it will probably be something else. Because being a feminist isn't about getting or waiting for permission from anyone else to call yourself that. I've never needed or wanted permission from anyone to be myself, no matter what that has looked like in my life.

Why would being a feminist be any different?

You just are, so be a good one.